Gay Men & Self-Worth

As a gay man, I’ve spent a significant amount of time, effort, and resources healing and strengthening my sense of self-worth after the realization that it was the root cause of my unhealthy decisions, actions, thoughts, and self-imposed limitations. My low sense of self-worth partly developed from the constant effort to conceal of my flamboyancy and attraction to other boys throughout my formative childhood years. This is the experience for many gay men.

I wouldn’t consider my upbringing extremely homophobic. Not at home, at least. At school and in my neighborhood, I certainly heard and saw people be homophobic; in general, towards others, and towards me. For example, my neighborhood friends gave me the ground-breaking nickname “gay boy.” (eye roll)

And still, I don’t feel like I had a bad experience growing up as a noticeably gay boy who did his best to hide his gayness; or at least try to delay the confirmation of what was already known. And still, my sense of self-worth took hits all of those years.

What is self-worth and how is it shaped?

Merriam-Webster defines self-worth as “a sense of one’s own value as a human being.” When we think about our own value, it is directly tied to how we think about and treat ourselves, the decisions that we make, the people who we allow in our life, the opportunities we pursue, the ones we do not, and so much more. Most importantly, our self-worth is linked to the type of love we believe we deserve, if any at all.

Our self-worth is shaped by our relationship with parents, family, peers, religion, society at large, and marketing, to some extent. Life experiences such as abandonment, abuse, parental divorce, etc., and our perception of these events, can impact our self-worth. To get a better sense of your self-worth, reflect on the following questions:

• Am I worth the happiness I seek?
• Am I worth being loved?
• Am I worth living?

To some, these questions may be difficult to read and think about. Regardless of your upbringing, your past mistakes, or your current life situation, the answer to these questions is “YES!”. Yes, you are worth the happiness you seek. Yes, you are worth being loved. Yes, you are worth living.

Self-worth is our foundation

The life that we create and who we are as an individual are built upon the foundation of our self-worth. If we have a strong, positive sense of self-worth, it is more likely that our life will be filled with joy, fulfillment, love, and success, however we may define it. On the other hand, life can feel chaotic, like a constant struggle, or even empty when we function from a broken or negative sense of self-worth.

Our self-worth impacts all aspects of our life and decision-making, including:

• Setting and reinforcing boundaries with others, work, and our own self
• The sexual and romantic partners we choose or don’t choose
• The opportunities we pursue or shy away from
• What we feed our body
• The spaces and situations in which we put ourselves
• The activities we engage in and how we engage with them
• And more

Negative self-worth in gay men

Gay men who grow up in a homophobic household, community, and/or society are susceptible to develop a negative sense of self-worth, or struggle to achieve one that is firmly positive. At an early age, we become aware that our attraction to men is considered wrong, “unnatural”, sinful, and worthy of punishment based on the comments, actions, laws, and violence we see and hear. In some cases, we come to understand this even before we become fully aware of our own attraction to men. This reality launches us into a battle within ourselves that chips away at our sense of self-worth.

For those who grow up in a religious environment that denounces homosexuality, the impact can be deep and catastrophic. On top of grappling with the constant fear of being discovered and the turmoil with one’s core identity, there is the added burden of believing that God does not love you. To believe that God does not love you can be directly linked to a lowered or negative sense of self-worth. For some gay men, this belief can turn into years of pain and struggle in isolation, and the separation from a spiritual connection and belief system.

In spite of all this, our constant efforts for survival develop our resiliency. We achieve, but we achieve to deflect attention. We are humorous, but we laugh to keep from hurting. We develop critical thinking at an early age, but we do so to survive. Regardless of why we do these things, we are still resilient, achievers, humorous, and critical thinkers. These positive traits, and others we developed that are not so positive, have helped us cope and get us where we are today. It is important to revisit our relationship to these traits in order to engage them with intention and in a healthy way moving forward.

During my 20s, I had numerous revelations about who I was, which heavily revolved around my way of life as a gay man. These realizations came from intentional reflection, noticing my deep sense of unhappiness, and jarring events that forced me to step back and evaluate my life and path. What I discovered was a field of unhealed wounds that had a negative, reciprocal connection to my sense of self-worth.

I set out to do the hard and heart work of self-healing. The first step I had to take was to acknowledge that I was hurting. This is not as easy as it sounds, especially when pain, hurt, or sadness are associated with weakness. However, this moment of acknowledgement is when I was able to show the world, and myself, just how powerful I truly am.

Healing our own wounds and those inherited from our family/ancestors requires strength, and leads us to a life of liberation and authenticity.

What makes this journey challenging is the hard, honest look we must take on our choices, thought patterns, and self beliefs. When we work toward healing our wounds, we make the decision that we will no longer accept to live in a way that continues our dissatisfaction and suffering. As we heal, disentangle, and expand mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, our life changes. We may no longer choose to be in relationship with certain people because of how they make us feel. We may no longer choose to be in a job that is unfulfilling, abusive, or doesn’t pay us our worth. We may no longer choose to think and speak about ourselves in ways that are self-deprecating, even as a joke. These decisions, while they can be hard to make and act on, are crucial in the healing process.

Healing our self-worth

As gay men, we carry wounds that are directly linked to our sexual identity. These wounds are cracks in the foundation that is our self-worth, upon which we build ourselves. Like any house built on a faulty foundation, it is susceptible to damage over time or under extreme circumstances.

Our inability to find love when we have spent so much time searching for it can be linked to the state of our self-worth, now, and throughout our life. For some, the continued failure to find love can be internalized, inserting a wedge into cracks in the foundation of our self-worth.

However, love can still be achieved, and it starts with you. We do not need to find external love in order to love ourselves. In fact, external love may come easier to us once we choose to actively heal our self-worth and practice unconditional self love.

The opposite of love is not hate. We do not have to hate ourselves to make choices that are not the best for us. If we do not believe we are worth being loved, including by our own self, then we become indifferent to our well-being. So, in order to begin your healing journey and strengthen your self-worth, consider the following belief shifts and actions:

Belief Shifts

• Know that you are loved by God — if this is not something that resonates with you, know that The Universe is on your side, especially when you are on your side
• You were born with the capacity to love
• Make decisions out of love and not fear
• Be kind and patient with yourself in everything that you do
• Reflect on your decisions before you make them and after you take action with the goal to understand the motivation behind that decision/action
• Your heart, in whatever state it’s in, is your best ally — nurture, care for, and protect it as you live as freely as possible
• Your productivity and ability to achieve is not a reflection of your worth
  Notice extremes in your life and reflect on how they came to be this way

Actions

• Create and maintain genuine connections based on vulnerability and trust with family, friends, romantic partners, and other gay men
• Prepare healthy meals for yourself on a regular basis
• Unfollow social media accounts that force you to measure yourself against external standards
• Seek a gay mentor — yes, even as an adult!
• Establish a spiritual practice that works for you
• Set boundaries with yourself and others… and maintain them!
• Find a community that makes you feel like you belong; all of you
• Talk with a gay mental health professional
• Check in with your mind, body, and spirit through meditation or other means — adjust your time, energy, and thinking as needed
• Declutter and maintain your living and working spaces
• Affirm to yourself on a daily basis that you are worthy of love, whether you currently believe it or not

You can achieve anything you set your mind to. You can set your mind to anything you believe you’re worth having.

Reflection Questions

Reflect on the following guiding questions to move along the process of healing and strengthening your self-worth:

• On a scale from 1–10, how ready are you to make a change?
• How would your life be different if you were to implement some of the changes listed above? Is that a life that you would like?
• Which activity can you take action on in the coming week on your own?
• Which activity can you do with someone else in the next two weeks? With who?

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