Gay Men & Self-Talk
Not long ago, a tweet went viral where someone explained that some people live without an internal narrative. Instead, they have “abstract, ‘non-verbal’ thoughts” that they have to verbalize if they want to talk to themselves. If you are one of these people, consider yourself lucky.
My inner voice is quite active. It likes to run its invisible mouth ALL the time. It can be a supportive ally or my worst critic. It’s also quite smart and creative, which can be both great in some situations, and the worst thing in others. Over the years, I’ve learned to harness, train, and calm my internal monologue. I had to make a shift from experiencing it as a burden to acknowledging it as my superpower.
What is self-talk?
Self-talk is the internal conversation that narrates our life, helps us make sense of the world, and influences how we interact with it. It is tied to our sense of self, so, depending on your state of being, your self-talk can behave in the following ways:
- Positive vs. negative
- Encouraging vs. discouraging
- Calming vs. distressing
- Creative vs. stifling
- Supportive vs. critical
When our self-talk is mostly negative, discouraging, distressing, stifling, and critical, it can feel like we are our own worst enemy. When overactive, our self-talk can become constant overthinking, even over the smallest of things. Our mind can feel like the heaviest burden.
However, when our self-talk is positive, encouraging, calming, creative, and supportive, we experience life with joy and ease. Our productivity improves, there’s a pep in our step, we notice the beauty around us, we make eye contact with people, and smile to the world. There’s a glow that radiates from within that makes us feel like we can achieve anything. When this happens, our inner voice becomes our superpower.
Know your inner voice
I am intentional about maintaining a healthy and positive relationship with my inner voice; because my inner voice is me. Our sense of self-worth is directly tied to how we talk to ourselves, which is why it is crucial to invest time and effort into healing our wounds.
If you were like me and grew up trying to do everything in your power to remain closeted growing up, you probably had a very active inner voice that noticed, calculated, and criticized every aspect of yourself and the world around you. As a result, your inner voice became a tool for survival, and at times, the obstacle that needed to be overcome.
Rarely are we taught how to understand and relate to our inner voice; however, it is important to become familiar with it and learn to harness it. Our self-talk can “sound” like our own voice, but sometimes it can be repetitions of internalized messages from family, friends, strangers, or society that may not always be positive.
Consider the following questions as you try to get to know your inner voice:
- Does my inner voice help me feel good or bad the majority of the time?
- Who in my life does my inner dialogue sound like?
- How does my self-talk engage with my identity as a gay man?
Self-parenting
Imagine you are on a walk and come across a child who is noticeably sad, confused, and in distress. He’s alone and knows you are near but doesn’t look directly at you. How would you approach this child? What would you say? What would you want to make sure he feels and hears in that moment?
Now, imagine that this child is you.
Supportive self-parenting is a way to relate to ourselves in a healing and loving way. Regardless of the actual parenting style with which we were raised, we can adopt one that works for us instead of against us. Consider the following seven pivots to make with your self-talk:
- Explore yourself— Our self-talk can speak out of frustration, anger, or any other negative emotion. To help slow the spiraling and bring it back down to a calmer state of being, ask the following questions: “What is this really about for me?”, “What emotions am I feeling beneath all of this?”, “Am I okay with the way that I’m talking to myself?”, “Is the reason why I’m talking to myself in this way worth it or justifiable?”, and “What’s a better way to view or approach what’s happening?”
- Be patient with yourself— We have the capacity to learn and grow just as we do to make mistakes, especially when we face new or difficult situations. Practice patience with yourself as you navigate life because, well, life is messy and hard, and all we can do is try our best.
- Be kind to yourself — Self-deprecation is a common pitfall for our self-talk, especially if we are not intentional about practicing kindness with ourselves. Make it a point to regularly tell yourself the following: “You are worth the respect, love, and happiness you seek”, “It’s okay to not be okay”, “Asking for help and getting it means there are people in your life who love and care about you”, “You have the capacity to do good”, and “Your well-being is a priority.”
- Encourage yourself — Simply put, you’ve got this! Life is not easy, but it’s worth putting in the effort. YOU are worth putting in the effort. Cheer yourself on, especially when things get tough.
- Challenge yourself —Personal growth is beautiful, but not without its pains. We can either wait for life to force us to grow, or we can embrace it and make it part of our life practice.
- Forgive yourself — Shame, guilt, and regret are heavy burdens to carry; and quite unnecessary! Learn from your experiences, take responsibility for what is yours, let go of what is not, and forgive yourself.
- Love yourself — Love is an act of courage; courage to be painfully aware of your flaws and imperfections and still choose to love yourself.
As you work to incorporate these pivots, focus on creating and maintaining a healthy and positive relationship with your inner voice. It will be your companion throughout your life journey.
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