Gay Men & Redefining “Coming Out”
Come out? Girl, we’ve been here.
Coming out— every gay man does it, it’s part of our community’s history, and it’s time do away with it. Before you start click-clacking your press-on nails at me, hear me out.
“Coming out of the closet” doesn’t fully capture my experience leading up to telling my friends and family I was gay, and the liberation I felt after. It’s a dry and limited way to describe what a queer person goes through as they birth themselves into their true identity. It doesn’t do us justice. It fails to provide us with the acknowledgement, power, and encouragement we need during this lifelong, identity-shaping process.
I want to propose an alternative to coming out — a rebranding of sorts, for you influencer queens. But first, how did we end up with such a bland way to describe our stomp, strut, sashay, and perhaps stumble out of the stuffy, dusty closet?
Herstory lesson
“Coming out ” appeared in the academic community in the 1950s as a result of Dr. Evelyn Hooker’s research on gay men, according to glbtq, an online queer encyclopedia.
Miss Hooker became aware of the term, which originated at the balls of the early 1900s where Black gay men “came out” within their gay community in a lavish, celebratory manner. These functions mimicked debutante balls of high society where parents of rich, white young women presented them to other rich, white families to find them a suitable marriage arrangement.
The term morphed into “coming out of the closet” after the 1950s, leading up to the Stonewall riots. Unfortunately, it didn’t retain the vibrant and celebratory nature “coming out” had at the gay balls. (Okay, giggle, but keep reading.)
Wikipedia says that “this change in focus suggests that ‘coming out of the closet’ is a mixed metaphor that joins ‘coming out’ with the closet metaphor: an evolution of ‘skeleton in the closet’ specifically referring to living a life of denial and secrecy by concealing one’s sexual orientation.”
Denial? Secrecy? Concealer? No wonder today’s version of “coming out” feels as limp as Charlie Hides’ lip sync on Drag Race.
Gays, we can do so much better than this.
Out with the old and stepping into the new
Instead of telling queer people to come out, let’s encourage them to step into their truth. “Stepping into our truth” as a replacement to “coming out” feels more empowering, uplifting, and a return to the roots of the phrase.
To step into our truth is to acknowledge the strength we build to survive in this heteronormative society. We use that strength to proclaim and live as our true selves. It is the people around us who come out to us as either supportive and loving or unaccepting and homophobic.
To come out is to simply accept our gayness. To step into our truth is to radically love ourselves.
I no longer choose to believe that I spent all those years feeling defeated and powerless while “in the closet”. When I acknowledge my younger self, yes, I was filled with fear, confusion, loneliness, and hurt, but not because I was deficient in any way. I was a gay child in a homophobic world. My charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and, talent, along with all the other qualities I possess today were part of me as a child, and that’s my truth.
So, from now on, I am rewriting my story. I did not come out to my mom. I stepped into my truth and she came out to me as a supportive and accepting parent. I refuse to carry this false narrative about myself that I was weak or cowardly. I was simply preparing to make my debut.
Let’s redefine what it means to no longer sit in our fear, shame, and self-hatred. I don’t expect to celebrate National Stepping In Day anytime soon. However, my hope is that we let go of misconceptions we’ve held about ourselves and our “coming out” story up to now.
Reflection questions
- When you look back at your younger, closeted self, what false beliefs about him do you still hold?
- Is encouraging someone to “come out” all the support we can offer as elders in our community? What messages would we have liked to hear when we began to step into our truth?
- Complete the following statement and reflect on the response/shift it creates in you: “I stepped into my truth at the age of __ to my __. They came out to me as (supportive/unaccepting/encouraging/etc.).”
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Redefining “Coming Out” | Radical Self-Love | Voting Trump Out | Anti-Blackness | Self-Care | Emotional Numbing | Complicated Faith | Body Confidence | Body Image | Loneliness | Self-Talk | Self-Worth Part 2 | Self-Worth Part 1
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