Gay Men & Loneliness
“My loneliness is killing me, (and I) I must confess I still believe (still believe). When I’m not with you I lose my mind. Give me a sign. Hit me, baby, one more time.” — Britney Jean Spears
These iconic lyrics take on a whole new meaning during the COVID-19 quarantine. During this time, we are forced to face and reckon with our thoughts, fears, and truths. We think to ourselves, “I miss being able to see my friends and family”, “Miss Rona is trifling for making me cancel my trip!”, “I will never complain about having to wait for a watered down drink in a crowded bar ever again”, and “When can I have sex again? I’m dying!”.
In some ways, our loneliness IS killing us.
Brené Brown, whom I consider to be the Beyoncé of social work, has a podcast called “Unlocking Us”. In a recent episode, she talks to Dr. Vivek Murthy, former U.S. Surgeon General and author of “Together”, about loneliness and connection. Dr. Murthy describes loneliness in two ways — from a scientific standpoint and from the perspective of everyday people.
Loneliness is scientifically defined as
“…the gap between the connections that you need and the social connections that you have.”
The way that everyday people describe and experience loneliness is more descriptive, with statements like, “I feel like I’m carrying this entire load all by myself”, “I feel like if I disappear tomorrow, nobody would even care”, and “I feel like I’m invisible”.
I live by myself, and up until two days ago, I went seven days without being able to see anyone, and not for a lack of trying. My loneliness felt like a presence in my apartment that loomed over me. My need and desire for social and physical connection is something I confront and balance every day during quarantine. My guess is that you may, too; even if you don’t live alone.
As gay men, we are not unfamiliar in dealing with loneliness and the lack of meaningful and genuine connections. There can be 100 people in a room and 99 of them won’t know you are gay, but the one that does, and accepts you, becomes a safe haven and oasis. Because of COVID-19 and social distancing, we are all on a journey through our own desert in search of an oasis of connection.
So, how do we cope?
Acknowledge the loneliness, don’t internalize it
I have an approach to manage my loneliness — when I recognize that I feel lonely, I message 3 to 5 people whom I care about. A simple “Hi, how are you?” usually opens a line of communication and connection with at least one person within minutes. These virtual connections allow me to maintain my friendships during quarantine and relieve my loneliness, even if temporarily.
Meaningful connections with other people are an essential part of the human experience and our health. However, it is not uncommon for gay men to claim and believe that they do not need anyone to be happy. This could possibly stem from leading a closeted, secluded life that made it difficult to build full and honest connections with those around us.
However, just as coming out provides a sense of liberation, so can the acknowledgement of our loneliness. When we name our demons, we reclaim our power and ability to change them. We are not alone. We are all doing our best to maintain connections that keep life joyous and full.
Our self-talk can be overactive during this time. It has the potential to go to a dark place where we internalize false beliefs such as “No one cares about me”, “I can’t get through this”, or “There is no point in continuing on”. To counteract these false beliefs, actively remember that this is temporary, that you are loved, and that there are people in your life who care about you and want to help. We help ourselves by letting others be there for us when we need them.
If you or anyone you know reaches a point where loneliness feels like despair, hopelessness, helplessness, or thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1–800–273–8255 or the TrevorLifeline 1–866–488–7386 to receive immediate help and support.
Vulnerability is the road to connection
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” — Brené Brown
Our meaningful connections with others require honesty, trust, and vulnerability. To be emotionally and openly vulnerable is not weakness; it is necessary. Vulnerability allows us to be authentic in our relationships. It creates a pathway for us to release fear and shame from our heart, mind, and spirit. When we practice vulnerability with ourselves and others, we pave roads that lead to deeper, more fulfilling, and healing connections. These connections can lift us up and guide us from dark, lonely places.
The following practices can facilitate a life of vulnerability and connection:
Process and reflect on emotions; the challenging as well as the positive. The exploration of emotions can feel like a deep dive into depths deeper than what we are used to. I like to think of processing and reflecting as emotional cave diving. One could spend days, weeks, months, or even years pacing at the water’s edge, nervous to take the dive. Just as equipment exists to keep cave divers safe in their journey; there are tools and equipment for emotional cave diving. These include friends, family, partners, mental health professionals, our outlook on life, our resiliency, our spirituality, and meditation, to name a few. As you step into the water in acknowledgement of your emotions, keep in mind that while you may feel lonely, you are not alone. There is an exit on the other side of this emotional cave diving journey. When you emerge from the water, you may find a renewed sense of self, life, and possibilities.
Talk to friends and family. Loneliness can make us believe that we are alone, which further feeds the sense of loneliness. We can break this cycle by reaching out and opening up to friends and family. When you choose the person with whom it feels right to be open and vulnerable, keep in mind that they may not have the capacity to be emotionally available in that moment. This is not to say that you or your emotions are a burden to others. People who care about you want to be there for you when they can be. Take time to check in with them and see how they are doing. Mutual support is key in close relationships.
Allow yourself to cry. Crying is our body’s natural way of processing emotions, both positive and negative. I usually feel better after a nice, ugly cry. Crying, however, has been demonized as a shameful act of weakness. To fully process our emotions, we have to allow ourselves to let tears fall, and with them, the emotions that churn within. If crying doesn’t come naturally to you at this time, you can try what I do, which is to watch a movie that gets me emotional to the point of tears. From my experience, simulated crying can have similar benefits as crying from real life experiences.
Escape the loneliness rut
Loneliness, and the monotony of life in quarantine, can put us in a mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual state of stagnation. Change up your routine and escape this rut by incorporating some of the following suggestions, or coming up with your own. Follow physical distancing ordinances in your area.
Physical Activities
- Rent a bike and ride on a trail
- Go on a picnic with a view
- Take a walk in nature
- Go on a mural tour around town
- Take a scenic drive
- Create a virtual takeout food tour week with friends
- Get one or multiple plants
- Rearrange your living space
- Get creative (draw, paint, craft, cook, sing, dance, etc.)
Emotional Activities
- Watch a movie or show that provides a different range of emotion — joy, suspense, fantasy, excitement, nostalgia, etc.
- Create a care package for a friend or family member
- Write messages of gratitude to others and/or yourself
- Meditate or engage in a mindfulness activity
- Journal or write in free-flow form for 5 minutes
- Pray or speak into the universe
Reflection questions
Managing loneliness, along with all of our other emotions, may seem difficult or impossible at times. To help in this process, spend a few minutes reflecting on one or more of the following questions:
- What are some of the emotions that I am feeling right now? (It may help to write them down.)
- With whom do I feel comfortable talking to about this? OR Who would be sympathetic about what I feel if I were to share openly with them?
- What place or activity outside of my home usually helps to distract me in a positive, healthy, and safe way?
- If I were to need help from a professional, am I open to seeking that help? If not, what would help me get closer to reaching out?
Resource links
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- TrevorLifeline
- Crisis Text Line — text HELLO to 741741
- Suicide Prevention: Signs and Symptoms from The National Institute of Mental Health
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