Gay Men & Complicated Faith

7 min readJul 23, 2020

Faith can be a complicated aspect of a gay man’s life. For some, severing ties to their community of faith or their own faith is an act of self-preservation. Others choose to remain in them, and navigate the space between their beliefs and sexual identity. There are many other unique experiences with faith, religion, and spirituality across they gay spectrum. All are valid and vary in complexity.

Walk with me through the valley of eye shadow and death drops as we explore complicated faith and spiritual healing.

Agnostica

I attended Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church (RMCC) for the first time in 2015 with my best friend. The LGBTQ+ inclusive and affirming space and sermon began a healing process that I didn’t know I needed.

Throughout most of my life, I believed in God and understood her to be the HBIC — Head Being In Charge. In college, however, I grew distant from my faith. I came to identify as agnostic because it was hard to understand why God would allow such hatred, rejection, and violence to fall on queer people for being who we are.

It was not until I sat through the sermon at RMCC in my mid-20s that I became aware of the internal void created by my complex faith journey. Every Sunday for the next three months, I sat, listened, and cried by myself in the pews. They were not tears of sadness or joy, but of healing.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt whole. Not fully healed, but whole.

The Father, the Son, and doing the Holy Most

Faith-based communities provide a sense of belonging, acceptance, social connections, validation, and more. As social beings, we seek all of this to survive. Beyond survival, when we have this level of support, we feel empowered to create a life of impact and fulfillment.

As gay men, our sexuality can be the reason why we separate from our faith-based communities, whether by choice or force. Some men strap on stilettos and strut on out without looking back. Others struggle with the pain and consequence of being ostracized from their support system.

Bobby Berk (left) and husband, Dewey Do (right). Image from Redfin.com — Bobby Berk (left) with husband, Dewey Do (right) | Image from Redfin.com

Bobby Berk from Queer Eye has bravely shared his painful experience growing up gay in a religious household and community on the show and in interviews.

In the first episode of season 5, The Fab 5 help Noah, a pastor at an LGBTQ+ inclusive Lutheran church. Rev. Noah struggled with being an out clergyman in the Lutheran Church, which connected with Bobby on a deeper level.

Bobby says to Noah, “Christianity cloaks itself as a loving, safe space, but that’s not the church we grew up with.”

Rev. Noah responds, “The faith has been used against us, and it should not have been.”

A friend shared his experience with me of growing up in a religious household and as a pastor’s son:

“Once I became aware of my sexual orientation I believed it to be a sin because of how my dad interprets the Bible. I struggled and prayed from the age of 13–20 with my orientation before ever experiencing anything with another guy. I begged God to make me straight and to take away the feelings and attractions I had countless times. I cried myself to sleep and was somewhat suicidal at times because of how intensely I wanted it to change. I wanted to be straight and have a normal life.”

Unfortunately, my friend’s experience isn’t unique to him. Painful and damaging experiences are forced upon countless gay men, such as:

conversion therapy
forced to falsely believe that being gay is a “sin”
forced to falsely believe that all gay people go to hell
mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual abuse
excommunication
being disowned by family
getting kicked out of the home and forced into homelessness

Reconciliation and healing is needed for the pain imposed by exclusionary and repressive faith-based communities. Your journey may not be exactly like Bobby’s, Rev. Noah’s, or my friend’s, but exploration and healing may still bring peace you didn’t know was missing.

Beysus, Godney, and Diva Deities

In the context of religion and faith, it is no surprise to me that The Gays flock to the altars of diva deities such as Beysus Christ, Godney, Messiah Carey, Rihallah, and others. I, myself, am a disciple of Beysus Chirst. Halleloo!

It’s not uncommon for gay clubs and gay brunch to be referred to as “gay church”. We show up in our best attire and thwoorp our hand fans to dry our sweat or add extra flair to a moment. When songs by our favorite diva deities come on, it can be a religious experience on the dance floor. We are in a space where we belong, feel accepted, validated, and make social connections that we may not fully remember the following day.

A gay club is not just a place to hear music and drink. For some, it provides a sense of community that may not be accessible anywhere else.

As much community “gay church” may provide, it is not a replacement for a community of faith. Churches that are accepting and affirming of LGBTQ+ people are growing in numbers. While it may not be possible to visit one during quarantine, many stream their services online and have virtual offerings for members and visitors. (Find an affirming church near you at the bottom of this post.)

I did not show up to RMCC the first time with any expectations. I attended and was part of the community for three years. My faith and spiritual journey has evolved since then, and I no longer attend. However, I am grateful for the church, the people, the growth, and the healing.

Can I get a gay man up in here?

A healthy, active faith or belief system, whether attached to a religion or not, can act as a coping mechanism as we navigate through the complexities of life. It can help us develop and live by a set of core values. Faith can help us process difficult experiences such as grief, loss, addiction, trauma, and loneliness, and grapple with the unknown. It can also provide us with hope, love, motivation, direction, and a sense of purpose.

Unfortunately, gay men and other queer people are robbed of this from thieves at the pulpit and in the pews. When this happens, we are left with pain and exclusion, which can lead to additional struggles, such as:

Internalized homophobia
Attempts or thoughts of suicide
Delayed or conflicted sexual activity
Feelings of fear, shame, rejection, and guilt
Low self-esteem or self-worth
Internal emotional, mental, and spiritual conflict
Homelessness and financial hardship
and more

(Citations can be found at the bottom of this post)

How can we begin to explore and heal this part of ourselves?

We can start with self-reflection and conversations. Whether you reflect on personal faith experiences, or by watching documentaries and shows that tackle religious issues, you are taking steps toward creating awareness and reconciliation between your sexuality and internalized religious beliefs.

Your journey is unique and you are the expert of your own story. You have the power to decide when and how deep you want to explore, and with who. A trusted and affirming friend, faith leader, or informed therapist can be helpful resources.

Keep in mind that the exploration of faith and religion does not mean a commitment to return to it. You have the power to decide which path to take moving forward, whether it is religious, spiritual, agnostic, atheist, or a diva deity. The ultimate goal is liberation from unjust burdens placed upon us, choose our own spiritual path, and lead a whole and fulfilling life.

(Faith resources can be found at the bottom of this post.)

Reflection questions

What is the current state of my faith? How connected am I to my spiritual belief system?
Do I have a place, group people, or community where I can engage and practice my faith? Does this place, group of people, or community make me feel welcome as a gay man?
Do I believe God, or the higher being in which I believe, loves me as I am? Do I believe that my sexuality excludes me from God’s love?
Am I open to talking about this topic, my beliefs, and my experiences with someone? Who in my life would be open and accepting of this conversation?
Am I interested in checking out an online service from an LGBTQ+ inclusive church? What preconceived notions do I have about this idea?

Resources

Find an affirming church near you: gaychurch.org/find_a_church/
Faith resources: hrc.org/resources/faith-resources
Gay films and documentaries: imdb.com/list/ls055731949/
Video — ”The Gay Debate: The Bible and Homosexuality”: youtu.be/ezQjNJUSraY
Find a gay therapist: psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/gay

Citations

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