Gay Men & Body Image
Your body type does not determine your value or worth.
I wish I could end with that, however, there is much to unpack, unlearn, and repair when it comes to our body image as gay men.
Body-ody-ody
Throughout my life, I have felt dissatisfaction towards my body, regardless of my size or level of fitness. The more time I spend living in my body, the better I understand and the more comfortable I feel with its fluctuations because they are part of its normal rhythm and physical being.
When I have spoken to other gay men whom I consider to have a desirable body type, I often hear, or notice, a similar type of dissatisfaction toward their own body. This tells me that no matter how much work one puts into shaping one’s body, when it’s done in the pursuit of an ideal, it may never be enough.
So, why do we as gay men struggle so much with body image?
I want to clarify that, as I pose this question, I am aware that gay men are not the only ones who face challenges with body dissatisfaction. Women and young girls are constantly bombarded with messages and images of the “ideal” body type. While not an exact comparison, our struggles and the pursuit of the “ideal” negatively impacts us in similar ways.
Back rolls and backstory
If you watch RuPaul’s Drag Race, you may be familiar with the iconic “Back rolls?!” line by Alyssa Edwards. If you are not familiar, search “back rolls” online. The first result will be a video clip of Alyssa saying the line in reaction to another drag queen throwing shade, followed by RuPaul saying it in a future episode of the series in a humorous reference to it.
If there were ever doubts about the influence that The Gays have on culture, this internet search result puts these doubts to rest.
However, it is this exact influence that promotes body shaming, fat phobia, and body dissatisfaction among us. I anticipate that some may dismiss this or wonder why this stuff is worth writing about or addressing, to which I say:
“This ‘stuff’? Oh… okay. I see. You think this has nothing to do with you.
You go to your gym and you select out, oh I don’t know, that lumpy 50 lb. weight, for instance, because you’re trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to be ‘unhealthy’. But what you don’t know is that your idea of “health” is not just a lack of fat, it’s not muscle, it’s not a six pack, it’s actually an ideal set by intentional imagery and events throughout modern gay history.
You’re also blithely unaware of the fact that in the 1940s through the 1960s, Beefcake published magazines that set the standard for masculinity, sexual desirability, and fitness for gay men. And then, I think it was Tom of Finland, wasn’t it, who showed hyper muscular and hyper masculine men in military jackets? And then hyper muscular and hyper masculine men quickly showed up in the collections of countless gay porn studios. Then this muscular and masculine physique filtered down through the gay media, and then trickled on down into some tragic “casual hookup corner” where you, no doubt, fished it out of some phone app. However, that body represents millions of dollars and countless efforts to push this body image onto the gay male community, and so it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the body-shaming industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the body that was selected for you by the people in this community. From a pile of this ‘stuff.’”
Alright, I clearly had way too much fun reworking this legendary monologue by Miranda Priestly from the film The Devil Wears Prada. The point that I want to communicate is that there is a history of intentional promotion of a certain body type that directly impacts how we, as gay men, relate to our own body and the body of others.
Another pivotal time in gay history that impacted body image among gay men was the AIDS crisis during the 1980s. Advanced stages of HIV and AIDS can cause muscle wasting and add to health complications. Weight and muscle loss was a telling sign of the AIDS virus in a time when social rejection and death were highly possible. Thus, working out to build muscle became a marker of health that afforded gay men a longer life and to keep their status private in a world and community filled with fear and stigma.
The ruler that we use to measure our body against as gay men is not of our own personal creation. However, we have the power to choose to let go of that and incorporate new ways to relate and live in our body.
This may not be as easy as it sounds.
The Law of Attractive
The ideal gay male body type — muscular and defined — affords a number of privileges and comforts to those who attain it. It is like an all-access pass to Gay World where you can skip the lines and ride all the… rides, especially if you are the right height. It provides opportunity to enter certain social circles, spaces, and attract certain partners. The desired aesthetic and status can be achieved with the ideal body.
This all may sound dramatic, but this body type, way of life, and the pursuit of both are what gets prominently portrayed in gay movies, TV shows, magazines, and ads. It then becomes emulated in Gay World by everyday gay men and spaces in which we socialize. The desire and pursuit of this ideal that is difficult to obtain and maintain can be toxic, unhealthy, expensive, and, for some, deadly.
The exclusivity that stems from centering the ideal gay body enmeshes a layer of overt and covert rejection, and the fear of it, that pollutes our sense of self-worth. It is not uncommon to see a picture of a group of gay friends who are all shirtless, ripped, and soaking up each other’s awesomeness. The aesthetic in that photo was not achieved by chance. It is like the gay version of the Law of Attraction, the Law of Attractive, except the law literally is that one must be attractive in order to join the circle of friends. Whether it is conscious or subconscious, the collection of these body types is a result of decades and generations of the indoctrination of the ideal gay body.
I am aware that I may be coming across as upset, sad, and even envious. The reality is that these reactions are exactly what this body type promotes among gay men, in addition to self-loathing and the aspiration to join in. Most of the time, I am perfectly capable of freeing myself of the desire to join in on the pursuit of this body type and to manage the negative emotions that come from it. There are times, however, when that desire tears into my sense of self and warps the way I talk to and see myself. It happens, especially, when I surround myself with large amounts of “gay culture” — movies, tv shows, social media, gay social spaces, ads, and apps. The apps can be the biggest hitters because the rejection comes to life and talks back — or in some cases, it doesn’t respond at all.
We long to belong
One of the great aspects of the gay community are the sub-communities. They exist to create space for connection and a sense of belonging for those who do not fit into the prominent culture or have no interest in being part of it. These sub-communities, while beautiful and sacred spaces for many, still bear the weight of and exist partly in response to the uninviting and exclusionary nature of mainstream spaces that center the ideal body type.
These sub-communities allow gay men to fully and joyously exist in their body. Their body is accepted, celebrated, and reflected on the outside, and promotes that acceptance and celebration within.
Our body is allowed to belong as it is without caveats or exceptions. When we buy into the body ideal we are sold, it can be detrimental to our well-being. The toxic self-talk that spews over and corrodes our sense of self-worth when we attach to the ideal body type can feel oppressive. Under this attachment, we run the risk to be in a constant state of self-criticism, criticism of others and their body, unhappiness, dissatisfaction, self-loathing, unworthiness, loneliness, depression, and even thoughts of suicide.
The body positivity movement is “rooted in the belief that all human beings should have a positive body image, while challenging the ways in which society presents and views the physical body,” according to Wikipedia. It’s not specific to the gay male community, however, I believe that it is in the best interest of our mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health to champion one.
Again, our bodies are allowed to belong as they are. Internalize this message and use it to create the peace and acceptance that your spirit seeks.
We have so much more to offer to ourselves, the world, and each other as gay men. Much more than just our body.
Reflection questions
As you explore your own body image and work toward body acceptance and confidence, reflect on the following questions to guide you on this journey.
- Do you hold an ideal body time in your mind for yourself? If so, what does it look like? Does it match your current body?
- How do you feel about your body at this point in your life? How has this evolved from the past? How do you want to feel about your body in the future?
- What messages or life experiences impact your body image? Which of those can you start to let go?
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